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[thephix]

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[thephix]

Do what makes you happy.

[Which should be obvious, for anyone but him, because she's not even sure he knows what happy is. But maybe having friends as Atlas is a start to that.]

[bumbles]

( And he cracks a smile at that, just because it seems so ridiculous. Being Atlas just got his nose broken, for example. Atlas being the only thing in his life that makes him happy doesn't seem like enough, and he shouldn't kiss Max anymore, either. Not after all this. )

I d-don't, um.

( Know what that would be, if it's possible. He's a pathetic, miserable shit isn't he? )

[thephix]

I know.

[She tries to make things easier for him, when she's not tearing him apart even worse, as if it's some penance for all the other awful things she's done, but she's not so naive as to think she makes him happy.]

Maybe this can be a chance to figure it out.

[This city, even with all the terrible things in it.]

[bumbles]

( You make me happy. Relieved and happy and verging on delight and bliss, and she can take him to the other extremes. They tear each other to shreds. )

I f-feel-- I feel b-better around you.

( But he knows it isn't mutual, and it's not her job or responsibility to make him feel better. )

I'll w-work it out. It's o-okay.

[thephix]

[She knows that, too. Not happy, but better, and maybe that's all she can hope for. It's not as though she can give him anything that would actally make him happy.]

I-- [She feels better around him, too, when they aren't fighting and making things worse, but she doesn't know how to put that into words. It feels like admitting too much, like she'd just be giving him hope that there could be more to them than this.

Instead, she just nods, offers him a smile and very lightly presses a kiss to his cheek, careful not to hurt him.]

Just try not to worry too much.

[It's a joke, just a little, because of course he's going to worry, that's just how he is, but maybe he can relax just a bit, enough to stop pushing friends away.]

[bumbles]

( Careful, slowly, he pulls away. He's a sorry sight, all bruising and swelling, purple and black blossoming behind his eyes. )

M-maybe we shouldn't d-do uh, do that.

( So much for not worrying. That suggestion is being skipped and abandoned right away. )

You d-don't have t-to do stuff like that here, n-not with me. Here or at home. I w-won't let you down.

( She'll be happier, that way. He'll miss the kisses, but it might be better for both of them. )The other day--

( Things are already so confusing, complicated. )

[thephix]

[It's a struggle not to sigh with frustration, but she swallows it, knowing that showing anyhing like annoyance will just makes things worse, since he gets so upset and defensive.

She wants to point out that they've had this conversation, but then he mentions the other day and she has to pause to rethink how to approach this. Part of her just wants to pretend it never happened, but Donny seems eager to cling to it, to let it fester and make things even more tesnse between them.]

Do you want to discuss it?

[What they both said, because even if she very much doesn't want to, she's trying to be better for him.

She hasn't forgotten the rest of what he said, but she'll leave it for a moment, after they've decided on the rest of this.]

[bumbles]

( that's unexpected. He shrugs, looking down and letting his hands rest on his abdomen.)

I d-dunno if there's anything t-to um, d-discuss. We b-both already knew. And-- I d-didn't expect, I knew. It's j-just what it is.

( The ice is back against his face. He doesn't like the cold but he needs it now.)

Don't worry. It d-doesn't m-matter.

[thephix]

[We both already knew, and she wonders what it is that he thinks he already knew, what he read in the poems she showed him.

She wants to tell him that he doesn't love her, that he's just infatuated because she's the first person to ever really pay attention to him. That feels too cruel, though, to point it out, too condescending, and she knows it would only make things worse. It'd just be an insult, to try to tell him how he feels.]

You deserve better. [Than her, when she's too twisted up to give him what he wants.

She doesn't give him time to reply before continuing:] We don't have to kiss anymore, if you don't want to, but I've already said that you don't have to stop on my account, and that's still true.

[She's told him that she likes kissing him, that she wants to, but she'll stop if he wants to.]

[bumbles]

"D-deserve?" N-no one d-deserves other p-people.

( That's a fucked up thing to say. He doesn't "deserve" any person. )

I l-like-- I like k-kissing you, but-- it's n-not fair on you. When I feel d-different things.

( That just sounds unfair and messed up for both of them. )

K-kissing you is-- I like it.

[thephix]

You know what I meant.

[Except apparently he doesn't, and she isn't entirely sure what she meant. He deserves to have something good in his life, someone who can love him, and that's just not her. It can't be, not when she's... who she is.

She can imagine Asteria mocking her, and she has to rub at her brow, as if that might dispel the thoughts.]

I'm fairly sure it's not fair on you, either.

[That she keeps kissing him even when she knows that he loves her, when she knows how hard that must be for him.]

[bumbles]

N-no deserves this.

( Him, this mess, the things Asteria has made of him, the mess he would have been regardless. They don't deserve nightmares. ) N-not even you.

( Because she keeps him close, and surely it would have been better for her if she'd just cut him lose in the beginning, if she'd never picked up the useless vigilante who is so broken and so incapable of all things. )

M-maybe I should g-go.

( Liberate her, give her relief from all this, from him. He's taking a second, with the way his head hurts, before he forces himself to his feet. )

[thephix]

Adonis.

[Not sharp, but still firm, and she means to tell him that he has to stop being so hard on himself, has to stop doubting himself so much. He's better than he realizes, and he has to stop thinking of himself as some burden to be carried.

Any thought of saying that is swept away by what comes next, and she's moving back on auto-pilot, giving him space to stand up even as the rest of her thoughts are telling her to stop him.

She can't - won't - make him stay, if that's not what he wants, even if the thought of him leaving her alone is more terrifying than she'd like to admit. Anything she could say feels like it would be manipulating him, because she knows he'd do anything she asked.

Even stay feels wrong.]

Do you actually want to?

[Her voice stays steady, and she doesn't wrap her arms around herself despite the desire to.]

[bumbles]

( He stands, hesitates, hangs on the edges of taking a step. )

N-no.

( Of course not. The last thing he wants to do, but simply because he does or does not want to do something doesn't make it right or wrong. It doesn't really have any bearing, when there are so many things he wants that are downright impossible, twisting around on some level. )

That d-doesn't-- p-people w-want the wrong things, sometimes. And-- m-me loving you messes things up.

( But did he ever not adore her? Was it like this from the beginning, some infatuation, or was there some merit to it? )

W-what do you w-want?

[thephix]

[She wishes he wouldn't say it, as if someone not hearing the words will make it less real, less like something that could drown her. It's hard to look at him, hard to be so close, but she knows that move away would seem like a retreat or a suggestion that she does want him gone, which is the opposite of true.]

I want you here.

[Even if it hurts sometimes, even if she knows that being around Donny's anxiety so much is making her more tense, she can't imagine him leaving. The apartment would feel empty without him.]

[bumbles]

( Why is this difficult and why are they chasing themselves around in circles? Or is it just him, dragging her into this over and over?

What he wants to do is lean against her and wrap her up in a hug, but that wouldn't help the situation. )

Really?

( Or just because she thinks it's what he wants to hear? To spare his feelings, to keep herself from being compromised. )

[thephix]

[She forces herself to look at him, hoping that he'll see the honesty in her expression. It would be easier if he'd never learned how much she lies in the first place, but Asteria had made it too easy for him to see all her secrets.

Now he won't even believe her when she's telling the truth.]

I feel better around you.

[She hadn't known how to say it back to him before, but it fits now.]

[bumbles]

( Carefully, gently, he lets the back of his fingers brush against her wrist. )

I'd-- I w-want t-to stay.

( She makes him feel so, so much better. )

[thephix]

[Her eyes close briefly at the touch, relief written in every line of her body, before she looks at him again.]

Then stay.

[It doesn't matter that him being around makes things more complicated, that sometimes it makes everything more painful; it'd be worse without him.]

[bumbles]

( His breath shudders, and he rests his forehead against hers. )

Okay.

( Somehow he feels like he's failed at something, but this is so much a relief, at the same time. Leaning against her he shouldn't do, but God he misses her whenever they aren't in contact. )

[thephix]

[Carefully, she wraps an arm around his waist, anchoring herself against him. Maybe she should have let him go, as if he might've found some relief without her, instead of letting them keep hurting each other.

But she knows he would've just been as lonely as her, but they would've both been too stubborn to fix things. It's better that he never left; she's not sure she would've been able to ask him to come back.]

[bumbles]

( Gently, his arms wrap around her, as well, holding at her waist before he's simply holding her close against him.

This is so difficult, but he feels so relieved, even if pressing his palms to her back seems like it's a failure.

He really wants to kiss her; maybe it's for the best his nose is broken. )

I m-might lie d-down?

[thephix]

[She nods, holding him tighter for a brief moment before she lets go, so that he can actually do that.]

You should get some rest if you can, that's going to keep hurting.

[His nose, because she's had hers broken before, and it's never a fun process.]

[bumbles]

Yep.

( He scoffs a little, laughing at himself and how ridiculous this is. He almost kisses he cheek as he pulls back; somehow, he reminds himself not to, taking a step back. )

Just-- g-gotta um, k-keep my head elevated. That'll help.

[thephix]

I'll make sure you don't roll over in your sleep.

[And she'll ban Maurice from the bed for a little while, to make sure that he doesn't accidentally jostle Donny and hurt him.

The ban starts now, apparently, because she's moving over to the bed and quietly telling Maurice to hop down, petting him once he's on the ground to let him know that he's not in trouble.

She still has a lot of work to do for the day, but right now she just wants to forget all that and curl up with Donny for a little while, as if that might undo the tangled mess they've gotten themselves in.]